Life goes on...

I have been slightly pre-occupied lately. I've been having a bit of a pity party for myself. I wonder and question a lot of what I believe or maybe how I believe it. A lot goes through my mind lately. I wonder if that is the problem. I think too much...I question too much. I am not one of those people to just accept that things happen for no reason. I want to know why. And then I wonder if I wasn't good enough to be intrusted with another sweet little spirit. As I read about miscarraiges I have thoughts pop into my mind about why it happened. Maybe I would have died had I had this child, maybe Heavenly Father is looking out for me. Then I think back to the "conception". We weren't even trying to get pregnant, yet it happened...for some reason...why? When we did find out I was pregnant I remember thinking Heavenly Father loves me. He knew I was struggling with the decision to have more kids...so he gave me an answer...??? Now I think how cruel. I know I won't always think that way. I hope to understand one day. And so life goes on...and I am back to square one...except with more questions and doubt, more anxiety and concern. I am not alone nor am I forgotten. I just need to let go of my control, sit back and enjoy the ride as my friend Kim would say. That is just so hard!